2012 Primary Election Satire
To whom it may concern,
This 2012 electoral primary election is under way, and it is my personal goal to remove socialist Barack Hussein Obama from the oval office. THe state caucuses are in full swing, and I am proud to say that I am a frontrunner in these elections. I am also pleased to announce that the millions I have spent on campaigning is resulting in the most of what can happen in this national primary election-absolutely nothing. However, do not fear, for I have plenty more in my pocket, Swiss bank account, and multiple stocks and bonds. Therefore, the millions I have spent is nothing but a drop in the bucket of my financial assets. I am ridiculously rich. This money is being well spent on my campaign leading to nowhere, being better invested than if I had just donated it all to charity, or the less deserving less fortunate. I own three yachts. My campaign is turning out extremely successfully, as I am fighting to make America better. My war on higher taxes will help the elite, such as myself, for we cannot afford to give any more money to the government. I myself have already had to fire two of our butlers. I am ready to save the lives of more Americans by not letting gays enlist themselves in the army, for there is a chance of them dying in war, and my reimplementation of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” will ultimately save their lives. My limousine has a jacuzzi. This campaigning money is being spent on what matters-myself. I am optimistic about making it onto november’s ballot, and I hope you will join me in making America a land of equal opportunity once again.
May Jesus Christ save your soul unless you’re gay, black, or poor,
Congressman Rick Santorum
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